Tonight I caught myself actually talking to my dad's picture, the one that makes me feel like he's watching me, and told him 'everything changes now', totally conscious of what I'm saying like I'm writing some kind of script, not meaning it, a character in the movie of my life.
The other night I had some friends over and we all went and sat on the roof and drank and I rolled a couple of joints and we smoked them and as soon as I did I thought I was having a heart attack. I sat there in the dark as the others were laughing and enjoying themselves secretly freaking out because I thought I was dying and I was too embarrassed to say anything because I don't really know these people that well and what if I wasn't? I would've just freaked them out and they would've thought I was some weirdo, which lately feels about right. I keep finding myself in situations like that when I'm not in control anymore even though I always used to be.
So I just sat there quietly suffering and no one suspected a thing. There was my friend Adrian and his Nigerian girlfriend Nomi and her friend who's name I can't remember and a transexual friend of theirs. It was a good group and we were having fun but when we smoked that pot I just panicked and my chest go really tight and I kept thinking my arms were going numb and that I was on the brink of death, just sitting there waiting for my final thought, the moment very real but still I was making it just as false as when I looked at my father's picture with the eyes that follow me and said 'everything changes now' and not knowing if I actually meant it or it was just something I was saying. I didn't know if I was dying or if it was just something I was doing. I never know anything anymore.
Friday, July 23, 2010
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